The legal system has lost its most excellent protector since Judge Juggles the Clown drowned in a custard-filled courtroom with the recent permanent disbarment of Jack Thompson. As he goes to compete in the 2009 Dumbass Olympics as a non-professional, we remember ten memorable Thompson moments to honor his career’s end.
1. Battling Janet Reno
John Bruce “Jack” Thompson had his sights set on becoming the state prosecutor of Dade County even before he faced up against Take-Two and Rockstar. In a competition to decide who was most qualified to prove the guilt of individuals charged with rape, kidnapping, and murder, he chose to challenge then-state attorney Janet Reno by “calling her a lesbian.”
Oh, I’m sorry. He handed her a note asking her to select a box indicating that she was heterosexual, bisexual, or gay and then called her a lesbian “in the fashion of a nine-year-old boy in homeroom.” We imagine that after that, at some campaign event, he blew spitballs and giggled at whatever the equivalent of a teacher is. She touched his shoulder, letting him know she was not attracted to him because she was only drawn to strong men.
As the videogames he despises, PWN3D put it. His reply? Filing a police report stating that her mere touch on him amounts to battery, or, to put it another way, requiring the attendance of those police officers to protect him from a fifty-year-old woman’s Death Grip. Janet Reno later supervised the convictions of Timothy McVeigh, the Unabomber, and the bombers of the World Trade Center. Jack continued to pick battles against folks who entertained people at home, losing them all.
2. Batman of Rap
Rap was Jacky’s new enemy in 1990. Since Jacky is too manly a name for someone who fears the Kung Fu of a woman over fifty, we will now refer to him as “Jack.” In his campaign against the song “As Nasty As They Wanna Be” by 2Live Crew, he claimed Report Phrase that he was Batman, Bruce Wayne, and the opposite of the ills of Rap music. Not just in words, but also in words: he sent copies of his driver’s license with images of Batman changed in and put on a Batwatch. Please raise your hands if that seems like the behavior of a well-adjusted legal professional. If not, there won’t be any since anyone trying to do so will find their hand awkwardly “restrained” by some “jacket.”
Remember that this was in 1990, the year he received a sane certification from a Florida psychiatric evaluation. This shows that, as anyone who has visited Florida will attest, the state has been required to thoroughly review its mental health requirements for almost twenty years. Unfortunately, he never went as far as to imitate Batman fully—leaping through a plate glass skylight into a warehouse packed with rappers—for the simple reason that the outcome would have been funny.
3. Heath High School Case
Jackqueline launched a lawsuit in 1997 against the creators of Doom, MechWarrior, and many other video games, as well as the majority of Hollywood and pornographic web pages. On behalf of the more cunning victims’ families, he sought $33 million in damages; however, the lawsuit was dropped for failure to prove a legally recognized claim, even though the large number of “defendants” meant they could afford to pay twenty cents each and likely cover the costs. The closest the legal profession can come to is looking shocked and saying, “Say what?”
He claimed that Doom was a highly realistic military-style murder simulator, which suggests that either he hasn’t watched Doom or the US Army is grossly underreporting the number of bases on Mars infected with demons presently designated as areas of war.
4. Columbine, Virginia, NIU
Continuing her public personality, Jacki created the beautiful notion of “massacre chasing” by herself. She responded to the Virginia Tech shootings with the poise and respect of a wild rhinoceros in a petting zoo. and almost the same degree of regularity. His outbursts were far less entertaining and slightly less accurate than a blind pygmy with a crystal ball. Jackisha was introduced as a “Campus Shooting Expert” by the time of the Northern Illinois Shootings; the fact that neither he nor Fox found anything wrong with that says more about them than we could ever hope to.
5. The Penny Arcade Donation
Jackette promised ten thousand dollars to the charity of the player’s choosing for any game that showed Take-Two CEO Paul Eibeler’s murder. He quickly exposed that the whole “offering to give money to charity” thing was a parody when he accepted the offer. A revolutionary new style of satire is defined by Jackisha as “dangling money in front of people in need and whipping it away at the last moment,” as opposed to the definition of satire shared by dictionaries and the rest of the English-speaking world. In addition, lying and running away from situations in an obvious way.
The funds were given to the Child’s Play charity for sick children on his behalf by the creators of the gaming webcomic Penny Arcade. Many reasons explain why someone might spend five figures to settle a serious debt, including shame, remorse, or retreating from the public to a remote monastery to atone. Jack decided to give the cops a ring. This is because two men gave money to their own charity. Furthermore, the case had about as much chance of success as an armor-piercing souffle-based bullet, showing Jack’s keen legal understanding and the fact that he doesn’t use a free country’s due process as a club to threaten people.
